I'm one day to my 30th birthday and I wonder how I got here. Somedays I still wonder who I am. I thought I would know that by 30. Somedays I wonder if anyone really sees ME. Does anyone know who I am? Do I matter? Is anyone watching what I'm becoming - where I've come from - who I'm going to be? Have I made a difference? Have I touched anyone's life in any real way? Where do I belong? As I laid in bed at 3 this morning, trying to sleep - since it's the first night in 10 mths that Audri has slept for more then 2 hrs at a time - and no sleep would come. My mind wouldn't shut off. I am not a depressed person, nor do I deal with depression on a regular basis, but turning 30 has been a difficult birthday for me. I rolled over and shed a few tears as I whispered to my dad "I miss you - I wanna come home!" It's not that I want to die, or that I'm suicidal, it was just a thought. A passing thought of being a child away at my sisters for a month in the summer and wanting to go home - feeling homesick - missing my mom and dad. For a moment I just wanted to be able to be "home" to hug my daddy and sing songs with him. I haven't felt at "home" in years. Mostly I feel lost and busy. I know who I am - I know I'm a daughter of God - a mother - a wife - sometimes I still feel lost in this big world. I feel like I work hard, I try to accomplish my goals, often falling short. And I wonder if anyone out there really sees me. It's hard to see someone who is an introvert I imagine :)
Aaannnnddd...my moment of catching up on my journal and talking about life is up...babies crying. And so it goes...
Another day in paradise! Love my babies! :)
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