A sad moment in life

Sorry for the very long post that's coming your way...Today we had a little family get together, a couple of us anyway, for my nephew Cash's birthday.  It was good to see some of my siblings and nieces and nephews.  It is not often that I get to spend time with them.  My sister was talking to a friend of hers and I was sitting close by and overheard her say that her daughter Nikki was questioning the church and was thinking of checking out other churches.  Her daughter is only 15!  My mom told me this a couple weeks ago and I had to push it to the back of my mind because I couldn't handle it at the moment with everything else going on at the time.  Today the same dread I felt then came back again and I couldn't just sit by and watch what would happen, so with tears in my eyes I wrote the following letter below.  This was me people.  I know how she feels and I know what she's going through and knowing all the stupid choices I made at that age, I am just praying she changes her mind.  I hope my letter helps her.  I had so many write me letters around that age, trying to help me make good choices too, and though I didn't listen at the time, and I didn't change right away, the words they wrote eventually sunk in, and I did eventually turn my life around, but not before causing myself pain that still puts me in a depressed cycle on a weekly basis.  Things that effected so much more then just me.  Pray for her if you will.  Pray that she changes her mind.  And if you have suggestions or have been through this with someone you love, what did you do or say that helped?

Nikki,

I wanted to write to you, because I am not always good with words in person, I tend to be very awkward around people, and I'm not social, so it's hard for me to say what I want to say in the moment. I know you see this as me not being loving, or being ornery, but it’s just me being awkward and uncomfortable in my own skin.  It’s something I am working on, and I hope to overcome one day.

I want you to first know how much I love you, you have grown into a beautiful young women, you are so smart, sweet, and great with babies!  It's hard for me to watch you grow up, because I still see you as my little Nikki, who was so much like my little Aspen.  I spent so many years with you from the time you were born during the time you lived at Grandma and Grandpas.  You were just like a little sister to me, and I loved you so much.  I loved taking you to school with me and spending that one on one time with you.  You were so darling, and your little spirit was so strong.

I was sad to hear your mom say you were questioning the church and that you were thinking you want to try out other churches.  But your mom isn't the first person I have heard say this.  I have heard it from 2 other people in the past month, and it makes me so sad.  I know that you are at that age where you are questioning everything, and you have friends who are big influences in your life.  I remember.  I was your age once too.  I remember how confusing life could be, I remember wanting to fit in so bad. I had friends that weren't members of the church, and I am ashamed now to say that I often times was embarrassed around them to admit I was a member of the church, and I made bad decisions because I was too embarrassed to stand up for my beliefs and what I knew to be true.  I know that no one can tell you what to believe, and no one can make up your mind for you or keep you from making mistakes.  God put us here on earth to make decisions and learn and grow from them.  He didn't want us forced to do what is right which is why he didn't allow Lucifer that cunning devil to be the Christ.  You  will make mistakes, and you will learn from them. But I also know that if I could go back and listen to what others tried to tell me, it would have spared me so much heartache, anger, and loneliness I face today.  The sad truth is that the sins we make and the decisions we make when we are young follow us into adult hood.  I always thought I could have my fun and then when I was ready to turn my life around I thought it would all go away.  It has caused me so many moments of regret and sadness.  My marriage has been so much harder because of the choices I made, it has caused unhappiness to not only myself, but so many others in my life.  I had a close friend who I feel guilty about almost every day of my life.  I was not a good influence on her and I encouraged her to make decisions that were not good, I supported her not going to church, and she has never gone back since.  I am saddened by this every day.  I can’t think about her without feeling so much pain and shame.

I spent so much time "having fun" that I didn't spend those important years with my family, and now the one person I felt protected by - my father - is gone, and I missed so many years that I could have been building a relationship with him and my mom and my brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles.  I can't go back and have those years back and that has brought me great sadness.  Knowing that I never got to tell my dad that he was right, that the choices I made did bring me unhappiness, at the time I was just disrespectful to him and thought he was just being "a parent" and over protective, in reality he was trying to save me from the hurt I caused myself by telling me I was making choices that I would later regret.  I don't want that to happen to you Nikki.  Grandma and I care about you so much, and we don't want to see you make decisions that you will regret for the rest of your life.  

I'm sorry I have not always been the best example for you to follow Nikki.  I should have realized what I realize now...that even when you think no one is watching, someone always is.  Someone is always learning from your example.  I made mistakes that I wish I could erase.  As I sit here with tears in my eyes, I can tell you that the pain of those mistakes I made are so real still, and they effect my heart and my soul.  I know without a doubt that God has forgiven me, I know he loves me as a daughter of God.  But even God can't go above his rules...my daddy always told me that God has rules he has to follow too, and that there are consequences for our actions that God cannot fix.  He can take away the sin, but the pain remains.  Probably so we don’t make those mistakes again. We are always free to choose for ourselves what we want or don't want, but we can't choose the consequences of those choices, or who they effect.  So even while I know I am forgiven of the things I did, I know that it's no one's fault but my own that I have to live with the pain of those choices.  I chose.

You have so much going for you, you have so much talent, and so much potential.  I know that you have not had an easy life, I know that life has been confusing and hurtful a lot of the time.  I'm so sorry that you have had to go through what you have, I wish I could have taken the pain of growing up the way you have away from you.  Grandpa and Grandma always wished the same.  They have loved you and Zac more then they loved their own children I am sure.  I know that Grandpa is watching over you Nikki.  If you are ever confused, angry, sad, feeling alone, stop and talk to him, tell him what you are feeling and the things you are questioning, and he will be there with you, he will hear you and he will wrap his arms around you and let you know you are a child of God, and you are loved by so many.  I hope you find your way Nikki Girl.  I hope you find the peace you need.  You are a gifted girl with a big heart.  Use it for good and you will be amazed at the blessings that will come your way.  Be patient with your Grandma, remember that life is soooo short, what is here today could be gone tomorrow.  She doesn't have that many more years left, and she wants you to let her in, I know that she can be so difficult, but she really just wants what is best for you, and she worries so much about you and Zac.  Spend some time being with her, holding her hand, hugging her a little longer before it's too late, because that's all we have in the end...family.  We have each other, and if we can't stand together and love one another, we have no one.  And before we know it, it's too late.  Remember that there are others who have gone before you and have had a life that is just as hard, or harder, and they have overcome, they have kept the faith.

I love you regardless of the choices you make Nikki, and only you know what is best for you.  I just want to protect you, and keep you from making decisions that will hurt in the end.  Don't forget the lessons you have been taught.  Please don't deny what you know to be true.  I hope that you will hold strong.  I want so much to protect you from the world, but I can't.  We each have to go through our trials, and be tested in our Faith.  I came across a song today that made tears stream down my cheeks.  It made me think about you. Some of the words say:

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you, dear

Louder, louder

And we'll run for our lives

I can hardly speak, I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower, slower

We don't have time for that

All I want is to find an easier way

To get out of our little heads

Have heart, my dear

We're bound to be afraid

Even if it's just for a few days

Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you, dear

I love you

Love Aunt Shanda