the rest of my NICU experience journal ramblings

day after she was born - I insisted on standing long enough to take some photos of her :0) 

I was in a little pain after.

Day she was born.  Ashton took these photos of course...I was a little preoccupied

First bath

Heart monitors, tubes and such

Naps with dad

2 days before she was born...I was going to do my maternity session closer to her due date, 

but for whatever reason decided to do it earlier.  Thanks to my awesome Sis in law Jill for taking

my photos!

(This is for my journaling sake, so I won't be offended if you don't read my adventures in NICU :0) )

1-23-13

they removed her IV today out of her head, that was nice!  I like not having her attached to so many wires.  Ashton’s dad took us to eat at Texas Roadhouse today for dinner, and his mom took us to El Sol yesterday for dinner.  It’s the only time I get out of the hospital all day, so I enjoy the time to see something besides the inside of the hospital, but I’m constantly checking my watch to be sure I’m back in time for her feeding.  I don’t like to miss her feedings (Except the two done late late in the night that I sleep through…I should get up, but I’m recovering myself stilil) We worked hard on breast feeding today, and just letting her make the decision and do the tasting she wanted.  Sometimes she was interested and would suck a few times, and other times she didn’t want anything to do with it.  She did latch on for 10 min today and that was exciting.  She will take a few sips of a bottle also, but usually she just wants to snuggle and be fed through the tube.  I’m trying to be patient with the whole process.  It really needs to be something she decides and not something forced on her.  She will let us know when she is ready to go home, and I don’t want to take her home a minute before she is ready, because when we take her home, I want to stay home with her and not end up back at the hospital with her.  We did a LOT of snuggle time today, and it was so nice.  I love being close to her.  I know these moments will go so quickly.  I don’t even remember Aspen at this age, only a few little memories of it, and it’s so hard to hold onto, so I want to just savor every minute that I can with her.  She changes a little everyday, today her cheeks are a little fuller, and her lips are a little fuller.  She keeps her eyes open for longer periods of time, and she is starting to fuss to let us know she isn’t happy with something.  The fussing is a much better sign then the non fussing.  Ashton comes every day after work and takes me to dinner, then comes back and does her 7pm feeding with a bottle and holds her until 10 when he needs to leave and go get some sleep.  We watch a show on my computer, or sit and talk a little, I like to snuggle next to him (as close as I can get from separate chairs) and watch our little one sleeping on his chest.  It’s hard, because I haven’t had a moment alone with him really since I had baby.  There are always cameras on us in the NICU.  I steal kisses from him anyway.  But it’s not the same as being able to just snuggle up to him on the couch at home, and it’s hard at the end of the day when he leaves and I’m still here.  I miss sleeping in my own bed with him and being with him in the evenings.  But I know I am where I am supposed to be right now.  Aspen called me today and she always first asks how the baby is and how much it ate.  She is such a sweetie.  I miss her so much!  Hopefully I will get to see her this weekend.

1-24-13 A.m.

I need to get my camera out more and take photos.  I’ve just been too exhausted up to this point, but I’ve started getting up and putting my makeup on.  It doesn’t do me any good to try and put clothes on because I do skin to skin so much with her I’m always undressing, so I just wear pajama pants and a zip up soft jacket so it’s easier to get undressed.  Not to mention the time that goes into having to pump my milk for her anyway. 

I miss Ashton being here with me.  It’s really lonely.  But I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.  I hate even leaving her room for very long..

It’s funny to me that on the outside she looks so tiny, but when I think of her being on the inside, she seems so big for my little stomach.  How In the world did she squish in there?

1-25-13 – Friday

1 week old today, wasn’t in the mood for feedings, so I didn’t push her.  She mostly did gavage feedings, but we snuggled.

Kathy and Alycia took me to olive garden for lunch, it was a much needed outing.  Michelle came and got me at 4 45 for dessert, and Sara my sis  in law brought Ashton and I dinner to the hospital.  It was a needed distraction today.  I was feeling pretty down when the day began

I got to see Aspen for an hour tonight.  Michelle took me for dessert and mom met me with Aspen.  It was so good to see her!  I missed my Aspen girl!

I start getting a little dilerious and silly.  The days get long here, so by the time Ashton gets here, I’m all silly and laugh a lot

I went home with Ashton tonight so I could regrouop myself.  I just had a hard emotional day and couldn’t stand the thought of staying at the hospital tonight.  It was sooo needed.  I feel like I can get through the next week now.  I took a long hot shower and got to sit curled up next to Ashton on the couch!  Sooo needed!  I felt bad leaving baby’s side, but I needed to get myself together so I could be a better mom for this next week.  I’ve missed being with Ashton and Aspen at our house.

1-26-13

9p.m.

I’m sitting here playing on my computer, watching Ashton and Audri snuggling and taking a nap together.  It’s the sweetest, best thing to me, to have Ashton here sharing this experience with me.  This is so much easier to go through this time around with Ashton here with me.  I didn’t realize how crazy I got with Aspen and how I barely held it together until going through it again this time with Ashton by my side.  At the end of the day after being in the NICU all day, watching movies, reading, holding baby, not seeing much besides the bathroom and the 4 walls that surround us (Thank goodness they put us up in the “deluxe” NICU suite instead of one of the smaller rooms-equipped with a sink and couch for the babies expected to stay longer.) I don’t go crazy and start sobbing because I know come 6p.m., Ashton will be off work and be here with me and I can talk to an adult for a couple hours and rest. 

Today we got pizza and took Aspen to twizzleberry and spent an hour with her before needing to be back to feed Audri.  I’m glad we get an hour here and there with her so she doesn’t feel so neglected.  I know this is hard for her, and she keeps saying she just wants us to all be home in our own home again.  But she is being such a trooper about it.  I love that girl.  She tries so hard.

Audri is 4lbs 8 oz today, has taken a little bit of a bottle at each feeding instead of having to have the whole thing gavaged (Through a tube in her nose) and has opened her eyes more.  She is so beautiful and sweet.  There were two more babies admitted to the NICU today, they are criers.  I feel so sad for them, the parents came, but don’t stay the whole time.  I know I don’t have to either, but when I hear one of them just crying and crying it reminds me why I want to be here with my little one.  I want to be able to comfort her when she cries and have her know I’m here when she needs me.  I know the nurses can’t snuggle her everytime she cries because they have other babies to take care of too.  So it’s important to me that I’m here and available for my baby.

1-28-13

a.m.

latches well, on breast and binkie but doesn’t drink much from the breast.

She took oone full feeding last night for the first time, shes up to 4lbs 10 oz

1 baby in nicu going home today, 1 tomorrow

her umbilical cord fell off last night.  I’m back at the hospital staying, I sure miss ashton.  He has been my rock through all this, hes kept me grounded and I love him so much. He deserves best husband award.  And he needs a vacation

1-28-13

p.m.
I’m homesick. Plain and simple.  I want routine, I want to be in my own bed, I want to have us all under the same roof again.  I’m working hard at holding it all together.  There are times I start to cry, and just have to take a deep breath and go take a nap.  I love being with my baby and holding her, and kissing her little head and cheeks and hands, I love the precious moments I have with her, and the sweetness of her little spirit.  But I’d like it in my own home.  I’m tired.  I’m missing my other little girl and our scripture/prayer time.  I’m emotionally spent, I’m still in pain from the c-section at times.  I’m super lonely.  Somedays it’s just hard.  I know she is where she needs to be.  I’m actually more scared of taking her home and her getting sick….but I also just want some normal back.  My days run together, I never know what day it is, and I’m tired of wearing pajamas, but that’s all that is comfortable to wear around here all day while trying to do kangaroo care with baby.

1-29-13

10A.m.

Baby took two full feedings in a row today instead of being gavaged in between feedigs.  She is doing awesome.  I don’t want to get my hopes up too much because I know she could be too tired to do anymore than that today, but I’m happy with her doing that much.  She’s improving slowly but surely.  Eventually we will be going home.  Ashton had an interview at Nucor today, I wonder how it went.  I hope well.  I hope they give him a job offer!  And I hope it’s a good job.  I’d love to stay here in the valley.  I love our little house and I love living close to family.

5p.m.

Audri took 2 more feedings in a row, making it 4 total, and she hasn’t had to be gavaged since 4 this morning!!  Her nurse Babette is a baby whisperer!  She is amazing, and worked so patiently with her on eating, and teaching me to feed her.  Who knew that feeding a preemie baby a bottle was so different from feeding a normal size baby?!  It’s amazing the turn she has taken.  They warned me that she may get tired and need gavaged, but I’m just happy for the improvements she is making.  I pray she will continue.  I know this won’t last forever.  I am so proud of her and her little spirit, she’s working so hard.

Ashton said his interview at Nucor was 2 hours long and they had him meet with 2 different people.  Hopefully that is a good sign.  If anyone would let him come work, they would see just how amazing he is.  He is such a hard worker and one of the smartest people I know.  He is so quiet, you would never know that he is so stinkin smart until he starts opening his mouth!  I have loved and appreciated him more he has been amazing

1-30-13

Audri has done all her feedings on her own so far since yesterday, so they have removed her feeding tube and they are doing her carseat check today.  I was able to nurse her for a little while.  She is growing and looking so cute.  They said If all goes well, I will be able to take her home tomorrow or Friday.  She will still be on oxygen through. I’m almost too scared to take her home.  I’m not sure we are ready.  We don’t have a bed for her yet, or clothes, or diapers, and I haven’t been home to make sure it’s disinfected and ready for her to come home too.  I guess it will all work out.  It’s scary to go home because she won’t be hooked up to monitors that tell me when she is fine and when she isn’t. and I won’t have nurses helping me take care of her 24/7, letting me sleep through the night, etc.  It will be harder and more tiring for sure.  But it will be so nice to have my family back together.

Is it funny that part of me will miss my NICU “family”?  I DO want to take my baby home, but here I have so much support – a HUGE support system.  It’s easier in so many ways.  It’s so scary to step outside this and be so responsible since it’s been 7 years since I last took care of a baby.  What if I’m not good at it?  I can’t remember half the things you are supposed to or not supposed to do with a baby.  I hope I don’t mess up.

1-31-13 (11:30a.m.)

We are going home today!! It’s exciting and scary!  And Ashton got a JOB!!!!  Nucor gave him a job offer!  It’s over in Brigham so we will get to stay in the valley which I’m happy about!  I was just in tears this morning when he told me, We have been praying so long and hard about getting a job.  Of course, this is how the conversation went on text message since he was at work and I’m at the hospital with baby still

Shanda “how did your call with NUCOR go?”

Ashton “he says I don’t have specific enough training, but if I can take some classes or something they’ll probably be hiring in the next six months again and they would consider me then.

Shanda “Dang, well that’s goodish I guess.  How do you find training?”

Ashton “Baby!  I’m just kidding, they totally offered me a job!

Shanda “you’re kidding?”

Ashton “nope!”

Yes, that’s what we always do to each other…gotta play jokes to keep the marriage alive.  I was so excited I about burst.  It’s an awesome day!  We get to take baby home and Ashton got a job all in one day!  The Lord has truly blessed us this month.

And it’s good in the long run that baby came early, because this way Ashton was able to spend time with her instead of worrying about work!

February 1-2013

Wow!  Last night was tough. Its hard not having the monitors hooked up to audri and having to keep a close eye on her all night so she didn’t pull her oxygen tube out of her nose.   I mostly just slept her on my chest all night and constantly woke to check on her, feed her, bottle her.  I hope she picks up on breastfeeding fast!  I hate pumping!

Aspen loved meeting her baby sister and held her and sang to her yesterday.

Feb 2 2013

Aspen had a fever today so I had to send her back to grandmas. It broke my heart, she cried and cried because she just wanted to be home with her family.  It sucks because we just all barely got back together.

Baby is good, growing and changing everyday, it makes me sad!, they change so quickly. I’m trying to just enjoy my time holding and loving and staring at her.  I know the time will go quickly and I will forget these days.  We call her little grunt grunt (ashton made it up) because she is a noisy baby and grunts all the time.  Tonight we were watching a movie and ashton was holding her.  He would make a  grunting sound and she would copy him.  It was so funny!

Feb 4 2013

It was much easier to feel motivated to keep up my journal while living at the hospital.  Aspen came home tonight finally.  She seems to be feeling better.  I pray Audri doesn’t catch anything.  She and I are finally figuring each other out.  I slept pretty decently for the first time since bringing her home last night.  I figured out that I just need to let her fuss for a moment after laying her down instead of stressing about it and picking her back up, she will fuss and move around a lot, poop, then fall fast asleep and sleep well until next feeding time.  The down part to this is that I can’t change her poopy diaper until the next feeding time or she wakes up and is too mad to go back to sleep well.  But then her poor little bum gets burned.  I have to bundle her tightly because she always manages to get her little arms out of the bundle.  She hates this, but it’s the only way to keep her from pulling out her oxygen.

I’m  still trying to get her interested in nursing and I’m still pumping the boobs at least 6 times a day, feeding her 8 times a day, snuggling her most of the day (my favorite parts of the days.)  I love her!  She is so cute and I love when she accidently smiles (since I’m pretty sure babies don’t have control of their facial expressions at two weeks old.)  she has a little birthmark near her bum, a little dimple on her right cheek, dark hair that will probably go blonde – it’s a lot more wiry than aspens was.  I hope she gets her dads curls.  Her eyes were never really that baby blue – but they aren’t a dark brown either.  They are a very grayish stormy cloud color – It will be fun to see what color they end up being in the next few months.  She took her first real bath today with me in the bath and she loved the water.  She was so relaxed.  (TMI) this was the first time she has shown an interest really in breastfeeding.  She attacked my boob and yelled at it.  This always makes me laugh!  Babies are so funny!  She is starting to fill out more and her face is getting rounder.  I’m sad to see her changing and growing so fast!  I know these days will pass so quickly.  I’m glad I’m a stay at home mom with no work to stress about right now so I can enjoy these moments with her.  I feel incredibly lazy, but I just sit and snuggle and snuggle and snuggle her.  But I also know I won’t get these moments back.