Journal ramblings on 1-20-13

(I should have recorded the times I wrote these...for some reason I just kept repeating the date, but no time...must have been the meds.  Lots of ramblings, so if you don't read it all, I won't be offended.  It's just for my journals sake. Once again, It was the day after surgery, so I was still a little groggy...don't judge my writing too harshly haha! don't mind the fat picture of me...I am quite swollen from all the meds, but decided it's better to post a bad photo of me then none at all for posterity's sake.)

1-20-13

My anesthegiologist who gave my epidural rocked!  I hardly felt more than a quick pin prick!!  He only administers the amount of painkiller he feels is necessary, so I had more pain with this one than my last.  With Aspen I think they drenched me in pain killer.  I hardly remembered a thing that day.  So it was a win/lose.  More pain as I was coming out of it, but I was able to remember more and be present.  I was able to visit with those that came to see me.  Also, my recovery has been a lot faster this time around.  I was able to get out of  my catheter and IV a day earlier then I did with Aspen, and get up walking.  I’m pretty sure I did too much today though, I’m in pain tonight.  I was able to shower and remove my bandages.  It’s always weird to me to look down and see the staples in my stomach.  Freaks me out for a minute everytime.  The gas pain I experienced with Aspen hasn’t been as bad this time around.  So much seems so different to me in the 7 year gap.  And being in the new womens center is much nicer.  In the NICU when Aspen was born, there were open windows you could still see baby from and all the babies in NICU were all put in one room.  In the new center, each baby has it’s own private little room.  It’s nice to have it be a little more private.  But no windows to let people see baby.  We were only able to have 6 on the list that could come see baby: Grandma Call, Granpa Call, Grandma Peck, Dani & Jon (Ashton’s brother and sis in law), and my sister ShaMayne were who we had on the list. 

1-20-13

At 8:30 this morning I finally got to go down and hold my baby.  They had taken her off her breathing assistance, and I actually got to look at her!  She has a little bit of dark curly hair!  SO CUTE!  I hope she keeps it and it stays curly!  She wasn’t what I thought she’d look like at all.  I expected her to look more like Aspen, but she has her very own look.  She is so tiny!  I was nervous to hold her because she is just so little and she still has cords attached to her.  I always worry I will mess them up.  I’m a nervous mommy.  I feel like a first time mom again.  Ashton has taken to her like bread on butter.  He spent most of the day down in the NICU with her.  I felt guilty that I didn’t, I was in pain after a little while and needed rest time.  I think he enjoyed the one on one moments with her, and one time when I went down he was asleep in the chair holding her.  Such a sweet moment for me to see, because I never had that with Aspen…getting to see her with her daddy.  I can tell he is just in love with this little girl, it’s all so new for him.  It’s been so nice and comforting to know that when I’m not able to be with her he is.  With Aspen I felt like I had to just be so tough all on my own, it was hard for me to accept help from others because I felt like a burden for them even though I know they didn’t think that way.  This time around I feel a little more at peace.  I feel like when Ashton and I aren’t there, that my dad is.  I have felt this a couple times.  It has brought me a lot of peace.  Oh how I miss my daddy!  It’s hard when you have a c-section to get that bonding time with baby, because it hurts everytime you move, at least for me, so I don’t get a lot of time to hold and spend with her because I have to care for myself too.  I know the bonding will come, it did with Aspen, and now that little girl has me wrapped around her finger!

I have mourned the loss of not still having her in my tummy.  I know it probably sounds weird, but I just loved being pregnant with her, I felt a lot closer to her then than I do now of course.  I love having a constant little companion and there is just something so so special about feeling that little ones spirit so close to mine.  I know that when I get her home and get to spend time holding her and feel better from my c-section that that bond will come back.  I already love her so much.  I wondered how my love would expand from Aspen, but it just multiplies.  I just have more love.  It’s a strange thing when I hear others say that, but now that I’ve had the chance to experience it, I understand it so much more.  This little one is so precious, and I just feel like she has such a sweet little spirit.

1-20-13

Aspen called me tonight, she was so sad and wanted mommy and daddy.  It broke my heart, since no one under 14 can come, I haven’t had a chance to see her since Friday morning.  I don’t want her feeling like she is less important than her baby sister.  I miss my little girl and her sweet hugs and kisses.  I need to think of something to give to her when I see her.  Maybe a balloon, she loves balloons.  I felt so helpless and sad after I got off the phone with her.  I just wanted to have her here and have our little family together.  My life is so blessed.

1-20-13

Little Audrianna, I am so blessed to be your mom.  I can tell already that you have such a sweet gentle spirit.  I feel so much peace around you.  Your dad is just enamored with you.  This is his first time getting to hold such a tiny newborn and to see him holding you is so special for me.  You are going to be one loved little girl, by your mom, dad and big sister who is going to just adore you!  Aspen is an amazing girl, and you will be so lucky to be her little sister.  She will love you, teach you and you two will be such great friends one day.  I know there is a huge age gap and you may not be close as little ones, but one day, I just know you two will be close friends.  I have loved seeing your little face, holding your little hand and rubbing my cheek against yours!  I can’t wait to have you home with us and get to know you more!

I love you little one!  Thank you for choosing our family!

Love Mommy

1-20-13

My big girl Aspen!  I am sitting in the hospital at 3a.m. missing you so much!  I can’t wait for you to see your little sister and get to hold her.  What a precious moment that will be!  You are so amazing, so smart and so kind.  Your dad and I feel so blessed to be your parents.  You melt my heart and bring so much happiness into my life.  There is no doubt in my mind that you were meant to be my little girl.  I have felt such a close bond with you since before you were even born..  Your little spirit spoke to mine so early on.  I know you are going to be the best big sister!  You will be an amazing example to Audrianna, and I am so excited to watch you both grow together.  Thank you for being the sweet little girl you are, and for picking me to be your mommy.  I feel so blessed and privileged.  I love you more than words can say little one!  You are such a light in my life baby girl!

I love you more than you will ever know!

Love Mommy

1-20-13

The nurse said that 20 babies were born in 24 hours the day Audrianna was born and that was a new record high in births in one day for them.  Pretty cool!

1-20-13

10:17p.m.

I’m having a hard time emotionally tonight holding it all together.  I was hoping we would be able to take baby home in a couple days, that she would be ready, but the Dr. said probably not for 2 weeks at least.  I don’t want to rush her of course, because I want her to be ready and healthy when we take her home, but it’s really hard.  She had to go back on oxygen tonight and is down to 4 lbs and that was hard for me.  It just felt like a set back, and I start getting all the worries about “what if she digresses more? What if something else comes up…what if what if what if…”  and I know I gotta stop that because the what if’s could drive me crazy.  I just hate when I have to leave her.  I did skin to skin today because the nurses said it would be good to hold her skin to skin a couple times a day – it helps them get well faster.  It really helped my bonding with her too.  I felt a lot closer to her after and felt like we finally got that bonding moment I’ve been lacking with her.  But now it makes this process that much harder for me.  It’s hard for me to see her with all the wires and her little body still shakes because her system just isn’t whole yet.  I love her so much.  I also am struggling because I can’t have Aspen come see me, and I feel like I’m neglecting her and I don’t want her to feel that way.  I just feel pulled in so many directions.  But right now I just need to concentrate on Audrianna and just get her well. 

Ashton spent a lot of the day down holding her today.  I don’t think anyone could keep him away, he loves her so much.  When she is distressed or crying at all (which is rare) you can tell he hates it.  It’s hard for him to see his little baby like that.  He says he just wants to take her and make her all better.  I feel the same way.  I’m sure that’s how our Heavenly Father feels too when he sees us hurting.  Parenting sure gives us perspective.